Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
