Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
