My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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