he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
