just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
