I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
