One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
