I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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