I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Your penis caused this!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
