my sisters under your porch take her home
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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