mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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