That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
