Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
