my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
