i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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