did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
