Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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