I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i came on her dog
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
