part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
