Girls should come with a carfax report
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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