dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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