i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
