bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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