dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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