I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
