I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
