My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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