my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
