god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
