I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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