My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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