i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
