when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
