i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
