WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
