You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
