hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
