I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
