you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
