Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
