He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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