I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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