Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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