just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
