We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
