Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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