So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
