I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
