yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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