i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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