so explain again why im purple
no
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just cropdusted the office
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
