Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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