I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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