You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
