ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
