i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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