I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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