Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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