There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
